Metal Gear Isaac

Ed Zitron 3 min read
Metal Gear Isaac

Hollywood is apparently going to give us the Metal Gear Solid movie I asked for when I was like 13 is finally coming out, and they have cast Oscar Isaac as the star of the movie. I think Timothy Olyphant should have had the role, as he can really nail the disgraced/depressed soldier vibe in a way that I think Isaac will fail at.

Thinking over the rest of the cast, I think that it’s time to give Michael Bolton his chance to be a hollywood A-list villain as Liquid Snake.

Sure, he’s older now, but he has barely aged, and no, he doesn’t have the long, flowing locks that he once did, but hair-pieces exist, and I really think you need a guy who can do the bellowing, melodramatic tones of Liquid Snake the justice they deserve.

So, the Snake's finally come out of his hole! Are you ready now, my brother!

For real, this movie will only work if it’s as over the top as the Twin Snakes remake for the Gamecube. It’s being directed by the Detective Pikachu guy, which may seem good on the surface, but man, that movie really plodded along and ended up with the most contrived plot possible. Wait, that movie wasn’t even two hours long? Jesus Christ it felt long. I thought it was like two and a half hours. God damn!

Anyway, a few years ago I’d have thought this project was dead on arrival, but since Sonic the Hedgehog came out I’m open to the idea that you can make not only fun movies but fun video game movies.

If you haven’t seen it, Sonic The Hedgehog is genuinely a must-watch. It’s fun, heart-warming, doesn’t require any frame of reference, somehow avoids any really cringeworthy moments, and features the return of Jim Carrey as a generationally talented physical actor.

The jokes feel like they were written to make both adults and children laugh, and features exactly zero jokes that are written specifically for adults that hate their children, unlike the abominable movie Scoob! that is full of painful shit like “you have to pay for NETFLIX?” I can’t recommend sitting down and watching Sonic The Hedgehog enough. The scene above also features one of my favourite jokes I’ve seen in media in quite a while - a short, sharp joke that lasts seconds and does not require repeating over and over again.

How Is Ed

I am steadily improving, and hoping that I can go and get a negative test on Monday. I have no idea if I’m going to test negative, but that’ll be 15 days since onset of symptoms. My family is requiring a negative test for me to return to the house, kind of like I play in the NFL, except the NFL is my house and I can’t go into it, and I the authority keeping me out of the house actually cares if I get people sick.

Right now, I’m in a position where I seriously considered working out yesterday, but I’m also terrified because I read a thing about how COVID can inflame your heart, and I am very much attached to not having a heart attack at any age, let alone in my thirties. So now I’m afraid I’m going to get fat. To be fair, even when I’m working out my greatest fear is I’m going to get fat, so I don’t know how much this changes anything.

I am hoping to be back in my actual bed next week. I really hope so. I hate being away.

Have a good weekend folks.

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